Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

Do you have a toddler or an older child who, every time you are speaking with other adults on the phone or in person, or even to your other children, continually interrupts you or generally doesn’t let you speak to anyone else? 

This can be a very common situation and can lead to frustration from both sides when it is happening frequently. However, we also need to keep in mind that this can be a skill which even some adults can struggle with!

Why do children do this?

• Our children are egocentric, meaning that they feel and think that the world revolves around them, that their views, needs and opinions are the only things that matter and so they don’t have the ability to see things from other people’s perspective. 

• In young children, they are learning to control their impulses, but, while they are learning, these impulses can be can incredibly strong and they don’t have the ability to control them. When they want to do something, or in this case, say something, they have a strong impulse to do so and will then interrupt or try to get your attention. 

• Another aspect is that they are developing their memory and recall, which is still quite immature.  However, until they have the ability (and confidence) to hold information, they can often feel that they have to say what is in their mind immediately before they forget it and they are not able to recognise when this might not be appropriate. Children often don’t have the understanding of what is urgent and what could wait until later.  They see things, which we might deem general everyday things, as urgent and critical and so need to tell you about them in that moment.

• As adults we have had time to practice conversations and are working with social cues that we have picked up over all of our experiences, both when talking with people face to face and also over the phone etc.  Our children don’t always understand social cues or that interrupting is not appropriate.  This behaviour is something that is role modelled and learnt through watching others, particularly adults and older children.

• I also have to mention lockdown.  This was a very different experience for us all - we had limited contact with others during this time and social situations were non-existent on the whole.  For our children, those last 12-18 months have meant that they have not had the same experiences as they might have done when in ‘normal times’ and so they are having to learn about social situations which might take a little time and practice and will be later than usual for some children.  It is also useful to appreciate the situation from their perspective -they might feel that they are having to share you with other people, which, because of lockdowns they haven’t really experienced before and this may also increase their need for getting your attention. Have a look at our blog on sharing and how these skills are learnt and developed. 

How can I help my child through this stage?

• Be a good role model.  Take care to not interrupt your child when they are talking to you or others.  Think about how you interact especially with your partner, family members or friends - your little one will be watching and taking this in. If you are able to show them how to get someone’s attention without interrupting, or even saying things to them such as “I can see Daddy is just talking on the phone, I am just going to wait until he has finished to ask him my question” or “Grandma is just talking to Grandpa, let’s wait until they have finished as we don’t want to interrupt them.” 

• We need to help our little ones with strategies, so try to teach your little one other ways to get your attention such as “if I am talking, put your hand on my arm so that I know you want to say something and I will speak to you as soon as I have finished my conversation”.  If your little one does this then put your hand over their hand so that you have acknowledged them and they are reassured that you know they are there and that you will speak to them as soon as you are finished.  Always make sure that you fulfil this promise as this will encourage them to continue with this approach.

• If your child does interrupt, be clear and explain what is happening, such as “I am talking to Mummy right now, but I will speak to you when I have finished.” It can be exasperating, but try to use a calm, rather than a cross voice when you say this. Then as soon as you have finished go back to them so that they know you will respond when you say you will.

• Practice conversations through play - this is often the best way that our children learn. So, if you ask your little one a question, let them respond and then say, “Have you finished?” Then you take your turn to talk and if they interrupt, just stop and put your finger to your lips so that they have a visual prompt that they have interrupted you. Once you have finished they can take their turn. This takes practice and it needs to be made as fun as possible – you can have silly conversations or talks in funny voices, it all helps.

• Think about time - how long has your little one been without your attention? We are social beings and our children are attention needing (not seeking), if they go too long without attention they will look for it.  It might be that you have to gently extend the time that they can wait, so it might only be 2-5 minutes (age dependent) and this then might extend to 15-20 mins when your child is older, but it is all about being realistic with your expectations.  

• Reading books about not interrupting such as My mouth is a volcano as this can help your child to understand in a fun way.

• Planning ahead.  If you find that you child continually interrupts you during certain situations such as when you are making phone calls, then it might be a case of looking at planning these in so that they are over nap times or when you have an activity planned which you know will keep your little one occupied.  It can also help to explain to your child that you need to make a phone call and what you need them to do and then always explain that once you have finished your call you will come and play etc.  

• Always acknowledge and praise when your little one achieves this, however always be realistic and consider your child and their capabilities.  To start with it might be very small achievements but that is absolutely going in the right direction and by praising and acknowledging it gives your child a clear message of what is expected.  When praising make sure that you are clear, for example, “wow you did such brilliant waiting while I was on the phone, thank you” or “Thank you for putting your hand on my arm to let me know you wanted to speak to me while I was talking”.  

As with all aspects of their development our children are learning how to handle certain situations, in this case it is all about social cues and what conversation looks like.  This is something that takes time and practice and support from us, but in time you will all of a sudden realise that that you have managed to have a full conversation without any interruption!

To learn more about Behaviour and Emotions and get strategies to help, have a look at our Behaviour and Emotions webinar here.  We also have lots more blogs on different aspects of behaviour here.  

Don’t forget that we also offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.

We also have a podcast with lots of episodes about behaviour - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.

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