Sibling Rivalry…..it’s all natural!
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Maybe now more than ever we are experiencing what is like to be together, day in, day out and I think that we can all agree that some days can be lovely and others can be more challenging than we would like.
As we are all spending more time together, sibling rivalry seems to be a topic which many families are having to deal with on a daily basis. Sibling rivalry is a is a natural part of family life, the frustration of siblings can be a real issue, but (if it helps), this is a normal stage of children’s development where they are learning skills such as resilience and tolerance…..along with how to negotiate and problem solve! ;-)
Sibling rivalry is going to look different in every family due to the number of children, the age of the children and also the stage of development that they are all at. There will be times when everyone will be getting on well and then other times when you feel like you are working for the United Nations and having to step in every 5 mins to manage conflict.
Often, sibling rivalry is related to jealously; this is a completely normal emotion to feel and it is all about how we help our children to manage this. We can often clearly see this happen when a new baby comes into the family, especially if you have a toddler who has been used to getting your (and other family members and friends) full attention up until now. We have a blog coming out in the next few weeks on this topic specifically so look out for this.
Just because they are siblings, it doesn’t mean that they have to like being with each other every second of every day. They will get annoyed, frustrated, excited, sad etc during their day and sometimes their sibling(s) can be the trigger of this. If we try to see it from their perspective it can often help us to manage the situations that they are facing – for example, they have spent ages devising a game or constructing an amazing work of art only for their sibling to come along and mess it up – you can’t expect them not to have emotions and reactions to this, it is about having empathy and understanding for their situation and then looking at ways overcome this.
For this blog I have looked at toddlers through to older children.
Here are my 9 top tips to help to resolve/manage sibling rivalry….
1. Helping and encouraging how to share – Firstly, sharing is not something that children are born to be able to do, they are egocentric and view the world from their perspective, the skill and the understanding of what sharing is needs to be learnt just like walking and talking. It is something that children learn from watching others and also from repetition, explanation and practice. Some ways to help with sharing might be, taking time in the day to be with your children in situations where they will be playing together or even alongside each other. When you can see that the skill of sharing is going to need to be deployed, stepping in and helping your children with this situation. Saying things such as “I can see that your brother/sister would really like to play with the red car that you have, can you share this with him/her while you are playing with the blue car?”, “I have put some snack on the plate, let’s share it between us”, “I am just going to do this game with your brother, you chose a game and I will play this with you afterwards”. Using the word ‘share’ in the right context with explanation will help with the frustrations that they might be feeling.
2. Have individual time – our children are attention needing (rather than attention seeking) so having time for just them is an important aspect in their day. This might be at bedtime, or first thing in the morning or even after lunch if your younger child has a nap. Often siblings are fighting for attention and commonly this is the attention of their parent. If you are able to give them the opportunity to have this one to one time this need is then fulfilled, so when they have to share you again they might not be quite so jealous or want you to themselves.
3. Role modelling how to manage situations and also using emotional language which says things such as “I can see that you are getting really annoyed because X keeps ruining your game, he doesn’t mean it but what can we do to stop this happening?” Often very young children will have ideas that they can talk through with you, but if they are struggling see if you can suggest things which might help and then support them with this so that they can see that thinking through solutions is much more effective than hitting out or shouting at their sibling.
4. Having clear house rules on how to treat each other – this is for everyone in the house, if the house rules are broken then it needs to be made clear that this is not acceptable. In relation to sibling rivalry then the rule would be that there is to be no hitting, punching, biting etc. If this happens then it needs to be clear that this is not acceptable behaviour; if your children are 3 years or older then you can ask them what the consequences to doing this behaviour might be – children can come up with some very good suggestions and by feeling more connected with the process by being involved in the rules and consequences they can often respect them more. Have these rules and consequences written down somewhere so that they can be referred to if anything happens.
5. Seeing and recognising the positives – as I said before, children need to learn how to manage the situation and they will do this by knowing what is right or wrong. We are very aware of when behaviour is not acceptable and we tend to notice this very quickly, however it is SO important that we focus on the positive. If you are having a really difficult time with siblings arguing and fighting then you need to start to really look for those small glimmers of hope – for example; they played together for 5 mins without arguing, they sat and watched TV without annoying each other and so on. Find these positives and acknowledge them. Children don’t always know what they are doing so when it is recognised and praised this gives them a boost and they are more likely to demonstrate this behaviour again.
6. Having their own toys and areas to play. We all need to have some time that is just for us and our children are no different. Having a box of their own which is just for them to play with gives them a clear understanding that they don’t have to share everything. Some things are too precious to share (think about what you would be happy to share with your friends and things that you wouldn’t…our children are no different). Being very clear that this is what you all agree on and not ever suggesting that they have to share what is in this box will help with your children having that individuality and a sense of ownership over something. They may want to change the things that they have in the box and that it is absolutely fine. If you find that they are piling up the box with everything that they can think of (just so their sibling/s can’t play with them), then you might need to look at putting a limit on the number of items in the box.
7. Encouraging working together – setting tasks and challenges for siblings to work together to solve. If they are successful then they get joint recognition and a reward of something that they get to enjoy together. This can be something as simple as their choice of dinner that evening or an activity that they want to do. You can also encourage them to do things for each other such as pouring the drink for their sibling(s) at dinner that evening, taking each other’s plates to the kitchen etc. Encouraging these types of gestures can help with the sense of working together and valuing each other.
8. Striking the balance – often the older child can take control of situations and can lead the play etc. This can cause frustration in the younger child and so look at each child having the option of choosing an activity that day or every other day – the other child(ren) are able to join in with this activity if they wish, but if they decide they don’t want to that’s ok, but they have to find something else to do. On the other hand, having a younger sibling can be difficult as they ‘don’t play the game properly’ or they ‘just mess every thing up’. In these cases it is useful to have a separate space for the older child to be able to do their activities/play that is out of the way of the younger sibling(s) such as in a different room or at the table etc. This could also link to the independent time and this might be when you have the one to one time to play the game with your older child, so they get to play the game how they want to and get your attention as well.
9. Don’t step in too quickly – if you have been doing the things above and see improvements, then over time try to just step back a little more and observe. Can they resolve the situation themselves? Are they starting to put those negotiation, tolerance and patience skills into practice? If so then let them use these, the sense of achievement when they have been able to resolve something themselves will be great and gives them the reinforcement to do this again next time.
You go through lots of stages as your children grow up with each other moving through different ages and stages of development. There will be times of frustration but there will also be times where they play together like best friends! Just remember that the skills they are learning now, with their siblings in the safety of their own home, will only help develop future life skills of how to deal with family, friends and work colleagues as they move through life.
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