Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

Have you tried potty training but stopped because your little one didn’t seem ready or things were not progressing? This can be disappointing, especially if you have built up to the moment and when you felt that your little one was really ready.  Don’t worry or despair though as this is something that lots of parents/carers experience with their little ones for various different reasons.  

Why didn’t it work the first time?

 This is very individual for each child and their situation, but some of the most common reasons are:

• For some children it can take time and practice to get it right, there is a lot for them to get to grips with and so it can take a couple of weeks of trial and error before you see them getting the hang of it.  However, it can also be very demoralising for them if they keep having accidents and this can be difficult for you too, so sometimes it is right to take a step back and start again. 

• It can be related to your little one not fully understanding what is meant by doing wees and poos on the toilet.  Sometimes we are bought into the idea of starting toilet training, but our little ones haven’t given it a thought!  Suddenly we start and they are introduced to lots of new concepts such as wearing pants, going to the bathroom, adults asking “do you need a wee/poo?” when they have never been asked this before and are having to work it all out! If they don’t fully understand what is being asked or expected from them it can mean that toileting will take time.

• Constipation. This can be one of the main reasons for toilet training not being successful.  If your little one is experiencing pain or discomfort when pooing then this is going to make them resistant to trying – they can sometimes relate the pain they are feeling to the toilet or potty rather than to the actual act of pooing. Sometimes we think that constipation is just when a child doesn’t go for a poo every day, or their poo is hard and difficult to pass, but this is not always the case.  Have a look our blogs on constipation and not wanting to poo on the toilet as it is SO important to make sure that your little one is passing soft, healthy poos before attempting toilet training again. 

• Too much change.  We can sometimes start the toilet training process as we know something is coming up (little one starting nursery, new sibling arriving etc) and want to get it done.  This can unsettle your little one and when there is too much change happening it can mean they are not able to take on something completely new at this time.

• Having a consistent and confident approach.  Sometimes when we are not seeing results or start to panic that it is not working, we can then start to try lots of different approaches.  This can be very confusing for the child and is often when we see resistance or more accidents. We then keep trying things and this can then unsettle our little ones - they watch us and our body language and if we are getting stressed/anxious about the whole process then they can pick up on this and it can cause them to be anxious about it too. 

• They weren’t quite ready. It might be that they were showing some of the signs but the timing just wasn’t quite right for them. This is absolutely fine (and normal for some children) and it might be that they just need a little extra time to build up to being ready.

Tips for when you are ready to start again:

• Give it time between stopping and starting again. It is good to have at least 4 weeks between stopping and looking at starting again.  You don’t want to have regular stop/starts so give it a little time before starting again. 

• Look for the signs that your little one is ready.  Starting before they are ready can mean that it is difficult and unachievable for them and for you! (Our Toilet Training blog and downloadable webinartake you step by step though what to look for).

• Look at what might have impacted on the last time you tried. -Was there lots of change going on? Was your approach consistent? Was there a lead up to the process so that your child understood what was happening? It will be a massive help if you can look at what might have caused issues previously and then where possible eliminate these or put things in place so that they won’t cause issues again. 

• Make sure that your child is not constipated!  I know that I keep mentioning this, but it is SO important that your child is not constipated in order for toilet training to be successful.

• Make sure that your child is drinking throughout the day (6-8 cups) so that their bladder is having the opportunity to fill and empty, working that muscle so that it practices throughout the day.  

• Help your little one to prepare. Introduce them to things such as having their nappy changed in the bathroom, putting poo from the nappy down the toilet, flushing the toilet and washing hands.  This will then help when you come to starting toilet training as they only need to learn about using the potty or toilet.  Involve them in the process and make it something fun!

• Once you are confident that your little one is ready you need to prepare and be consistent.  Make a plan so that you feel confident as this will help both you and your little one. If you feel that your little one is ready then go from nappies to pants and stick with it! Of course, use pull ups or nappies for naps and night-times but during the day stick with pants and be consistent with the approach you take. 

• If your child goes to childcare or is looked after by family members, it is important that everyone who looks after them is on the same page.

• Avoid taking your little one to the toilet/potty too frequently as this can lead to resistance – if your little one was able to hold wee for 1-2 hours when in a nappy (see our blog about signs which show your child is ready to toilet train here) then they don’t need to be going every 20 mins.  You can look at taking them every 1-2 hours or 20-30 mins after a meal.  

• Rather than saying “do you need a wee/poo?”, use the term “toilet time”.  This helps your little one know that they need to go to the toilet and sometimes when asking this (especially in the early days of training) it can be too confusing and you may just get the automatic response of “no”. 

• Make poo positive! Talk about poo in a positive manner, avoid saying things such as stinky, yucky, dirty etc and talk about healthy poos, what poo looks like, why we poo etc.  There are also books about poo which can also help – these are listed in our blog here.

• Accidents will happen and that’s ok. This is quite a skill for your little one to learn and it can mean that there are frequent accidents in the early stages.  It is all about offering reassurance, keeping calm and supporting them with learning this new and important skill.  If they are ready to use a potty/toilet then this will come.  Keep positive, it will happen. 

• Keep calm and don’t panic.  Our children pick up a lot from us and how we might be feeling.  It is important that you remain calm and offer lots of reassurance when you start the process again.  It will help your child to relax and in turn hopefully feel comfortable with starting the process again. 

If you want more information about potty / toilet training have a look at our other Toilet Training blogs or download our step by step video guide.

Don’t forget that we also offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.

We also have a podcast with lots of episodes about potty training - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.