WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT

A question I often hear being asked, particularly around this time of year, is “Why don’t my children appreciate what they have?”.  Naturally children ‘expect’ to receive gifts and presents around Christmas, Birthdays or perhaps when on days out etc., but some children appear to never be fully grateful or appreciative of the gift, the thought that went in to getting it or sometimes the cost of the gift.  

But, what does ‘showing appreciation’ mean? What actions or words do we think really shows appreciation?  First of all we need to make sure that we are being realistic in these expectations in relation to the age and stage of the child.  

Children are egocentric, they view the world from their perspective and often see the world as being all about them and what they want or need.  This isn’t because they are ungrateful or demanding, it’s because this is a developmental stage that all children go through and in time will develop into having empathy for others or be able to see the world from someone else’s perspective.  Children who are egocentric are often thinking of ‘me’ so, ‘what will people do for me?’, ‘what will people get for me?’ and ‘how are people going to entertain me?’.  If they are only thinking in this frame of mind (because they are going through this very natural developmental stage) they are not going to show appreciation in the way that we might expect.

Gratitude is something that comes along with being able to see things from a less egocentric perspective and we need to recognise that for some children this can take longer to develop. 

How can we help to develop appreciation in our children?

• It can be as simple as encouraging them to say please and thank you.  As with anything this is not about forcing your child to say it, which just conditions them to say the words when they think the adult wants to hear them (in the same way as saying sorry, do check out our blog on this here) but we want a child to really understand the meaning of these words.  The way we do this is by role modelling with the child but also with each other so that they are able to see how these words are used in context and why we say these things. 

• Sharing is another way that appreciation can start to develop.  We do need to remember that developmentally, sharing can take some time to develop (we have another blog on this here) so if your child is not developmentally ready to share, then being able to show appreciation is going to be a challenge too. Acknowledging your child when you see that they have shared something and then explaining how that might have made you or the person that they have shared with feel to help them start to gain an understanding for the emotions which go behind the actions. 

• It’s important to share your family values with your children from a young age.  You may find there are times when you child compares what they have to what a friend might have.  These conversations can be excellent learning opportunities to explore this with them in more detail, explaining about things such as the value of money, the importance of being patient, or for example that you could buy the additional TV but you chose not too as you feel that it is important that everyone has time together etc. 

• Patience is a skill which we are all struggling with more and more.  We live in a very instant world and we can get things much more quickly than ever before.  Remember those days when we would keep lists of things that we wanted for birthday or Christmas and had to wait for them as those types of gifts etc were not something that you got, other than at those times.  Because of this we need to make sure that our children don’t lose the skill of patience.  Getting them to make a list of things that they would like to have, or do and then putting in some time to wait is a good way of developing the skill of patience but also that of appreciation – often when you have had to wait for something you appreciate it all the more!

• Look at how you might respond to your child’s demands.  Does your child demand things when you go into a shop and keep going until you give in? We can all have a little treat from time to time, but if your child learns that each and every time they go somewhere, they make a demand for a treat or gift and it happens they will continue with this approach.  We need to make sure that we are always providing our children with boundaries so that they are clear on what is and is not acceptable.  Explaining to your child prior to going to the shops that you are going for XYZ and that there is no treat today but they can help you with getting the things on the list.  Just before going into the shop you then remind them that if there are demands for treats etc there aren’t going to be any today and you must stick to this.  If you have set these boundaries then your child looks to you to stick to them.  On the occasions when you say that they are able to have a treat there will be a greater appreciation. 

• Does your child have a sense of responsibility? Do they help you with things? Having a sense of responsibility can bring with it a sense of appreciation.  For older children this might be combined with the introduction of chores (again we have a blog on this here) and this can then sometimes (depending on your family beliefs) link to pocket money.  Children who have to save for something are going to have a greater appreciation for it. 

• We often think that children look for material things such as treats, gifts etc but most of the time our children are as content and happy to have time with us.  If we are able to give them time and attention this is often felt much more deeply and really develops the sense of emotion (and appreciation) around how we feel when someone does something for us. Making gifts or treats heartfelt and often homemade can mean that your child has a greater sense of doing something special for someone.  When they see the person’s reaction to receiving the gift it helps them to see that it is more about the time and effort that we put in rather than the amount of money that we might spend. 

• Saying thank you – over recent weeks I have had several people mention that saying thank you and writing thank you notes is becoming something of a rarity. Encouraging our children to write thank you notes, or when they are older maybe sending a text message/email or even a video message to say thank you, all helps with developing a sense of appreciation for what they have received. It is also good for our children to see when they receive thank you notes for something they have done as this shows the whole cycle and gives them an understanding of how it feels to receive a thank you from someone.

• How do you show appreciation? Our children learn from the adults around them so how might they see you showing appreciation? This might be with your child, appreciating something that they have done or it could be with another family member or a friend.  Our children watch us, often when we don’t think they are, so they pick up on what we say and do. 

As with everything, we have to take the time to teach our children about these qualities and skills, some children may take longer than others (they just might not be developmentally ready) and that is ok.  As with everything, keep consistent with your approach and allow them to have the opportunity to build their appreciation muscle!

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