WRITTEN BY EMILY DARWELL, FAMILY CONSULTANT

Becoming a mother, entering lockdown and getting to know the new norm, 2020 was quite the year for our new family! When thinking about writing this, it has made me think a lot about other families and how this past year has effected everyone individually. I want to make it clear I am aware we are all on our own journey, the saying ‘we are all in the same boat’ got thrown around a lot in 2020 and I very much disagree with it, yes we have all had challenges and it is of course affecting us all, however, our ‘boats’ are all very different!! I know I am very lucky, having a garden and living in the Yorkshire Dales which suddenly became a huge benefit of 2020 life, I think the new mum in a small flat, home schooling two older children, with zero outside space living in a city would very much agree, we are not in the same boat! Though saying this and recognising I am lucky to live where I am doesn’t mean emotionally it hasn’t taken its toll, but it has enabled me on harder days to always see that silver lining, knowing I am lucky to have what I have! As mothers we should always try to remember we are on our own parental journey, completely individual to us and our wee ones, pandemic or no pandemic - just trying to do our best with what we have and somedays just finding the energy to get to bedtime is more than enough!

After working with other peoples’ children for the last 16 years as a nanny, I knew becoming a mother would of course differ and have its own challenges! Darius, my husband and I welcomed Beau into the world in early 2020, but we could not have foreseen how it would be. It very quickly became clear how I had imagined life as a new Mother was not to be! On the day of Beau’s birth the head line in the Guardian was ‘Whole world must be ready to deal with coronavirus’, and there was I in my new mama role, soaking up the snuggles and learning how my breasts worked. As I am a big believer in the fourth trimester for the first few months I wanted to hold, snuggle and have as much skin to skin with Beau as possible while taking his lead on sleep and feeding, I wanted my ‘baby bubble’ only really letting grandparents meet Beau to really give us that time to bond and fully establish breastfeeding, without the usual rush of visitors I witnessed so much as a nanny. Shutting the outside world out so I could recover from the birth and get to know my son was fantastic at the time for helping us to find our own flow and routine. However it does seem pretty ironic, as this soon became our norm - quite different when it’s not by choice! Sad to say I missed my opportunity to ‘show off’ my new baby, however it’s safe to say we have well and truly bonded! 

It felt I had waited my entire life to become a Mama, I was ready for our lives to completely change when entering parenthood, I was ready for a little one being completely dependant on me 24/7, I was ready for the nappies, the sleepless nights, the hormones, the emotions, the pressures of parenthood for us both, the struggles of breast feeding, I was ready to learn the new family/relationship dynamics and their own challenges, I was even ready for the body changes and the feeling of being a new mum and getting to know what that meant to me, but there was NO WAY I was ready to do it all without the day to day norm to help me get through it, without the friends and family support and having to do it all in this new way of life! 

I had imagined friends popping in to admire our incredible little human, drinking a HOT cup of tea while they enjoyed cuddles, taking those five mins of Beau being adored to put a wash on or even the luxury of having a wash myself! I imagined family coming to stay to enjoy us and to help out, bond with their new relative and just being around for company and lending that much needed support that is so appreciated in those early months (well lets face it, YEARS!)

Like every new Mama I thought my maternity leave would be full of going to groups, meeting new mums, making new friends, sharing our journeys, laughing at the mishaps and helping to support one another. I imagined going to local classes watching our babies play along side one another then asking new friends to come back to our house for play dates and a decent coffee, I imagined weekend trips to friends and family far and wide so everyone could meet Beau. I imagined Beau learning with new little friends, learning how to socialise, how to share toys, how to share his mama’s attention, and how to just be in company with others. Learning from those around him and developing just as those before him have. I guess I never imagined the days to feel so long, so lonely and so full of wishing and hoping for normal life to return. Never did I ever imagine attempting to make new Mama friends on my ‘allocated hour’s exercise’, getting so excited at the postman for some human interaction, or once the local park reopened, hiding under the climbing frame with a friend clutching our babies and our coffee flasks in a hail storm trying to enjoy our only adult conversation for the day, but it would seem this was what parenthood in 2020 was to us new mums, trying to ‘survive’ until normal life resumes!

Having only really parented in Lockdown or the whirlwind of the past 14 months I am not sure how it all works, I have some days that are so long and I struggle to think of ideas to do with Beau to keep us both from going ‘mad’. Then I have other days where I think, wow, how will I cope with all this and trying to have a social life, go places, have real life conversations, commitments, never mind having to wear actual clothes and a bra!!! So I guess my journey of motherhood is about to face some new challenges, but we are ready so bring it on Boris!!

Returning to the new norm with Beau about to start nursery we are sad we can’t go inside, which would be the norm without Covid, and help him settle into this new environment, help him to adapt and slowly encourage him, instead we just have to hope that together we have given him the tools to be confident in himself and take to this new found independence proudly. We hope he trusts we will be waiting for him on the other side of that nursery wall, (no doubt eagerly!!) I am hoping the whole ‘it’s not him I’m worried about it’s me’ line some mums say will be true, but the truth is thanks to this last year Beau hasn't been away from either myself or Darius once and has only been held by a number of family members in the eases between lockdowns too long ago for him to even remember!

It is definitely going to be a learning curve for us all, I hate that we haven't been given the opportunity to practice being away from each other. He has missed out on so much, so many experiences to learn and to grow! Beau’s Grandad commented on a video I sent of Beau dancing, saying the last time he saw Beau in person (who is now 14 months) Beau wasn’t even crawling! This made me realise just how much my wee one and family members have missed out on, we almost get used to the ‘new normal’ muddling on with our FaceTimes and our ‘it will all be over soon’ phone calls, and although this definitely wasn’t what I had wished for for my son’s first year, there were also many positives. 

We know we are lucky to live where we live, have the great (mostly wet) Yorkshire outdoors on our door step, to work from home enabling more time to be spent as a family, yes always juggling work and Beau - but doing it together and most importantly we have our health during a global pandemic. So grateful to have this wee man to keep me busy and entertained during the long lockdowns, grateful for the time I have had to breastfeed him without the pressure of busy life, we really struggled during the early months and I am so proud 14months later he is still feeding happily, it may have been a different story had I had to fiddle with the nipple shields in the early months out at groups etc! 

Like so many others, this past year has made me slow down, and this is something I want to continue, I haven't learnt how to make sourdough, my veggie patch got attacked by bindweed, my knitting skills are still as bad as they were last April, but I have learnt to really follow my son and parent the way I always hoped I would, to be Child Led. Easily done when you have literally nowhere else to be, but like I said, the silver lining is definitely time. 

I am also so grateful to this year for really making me appreciate our friends and family, near and far- we have had a ‘family wall’ of photos in Beau’s bedroom since Covid hit which he says “good morning” and “good night” to everyday. With the world opening up it’s going to be a bit of a shock for Beau to suddenly meet everyone, so we have spent time printing and laminating photos of his loved ones to make him a ‘My Friends and Family’ basket for his playroom! Slowly slowly we will return, I will get to use my nappy bag I so excitedly packed back in March 2020, we will visit Grandparents, meet Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends, we will have a babysitter so Beau gets used to someone else, (and so we can support our local pubs!) we will have friends round for playdates and he will have to learn to share, just like every other child before him- ‘Lockdown kid’ is no excuse, but I may use it for a while yet! 

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