WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT

When looking at behaviour related issues, one of the most common strategies or ideas that is given as a solution is a reward system of some kind.  This might be a reward chart, a star chart, marbles or pasta in a jar (etc.) - these are all related to encouraging ‘good behaviour’ and, in some situations, these might work. 

However, before we even consider using a reward system we need to look what it is being used for.  

Any behaviour that our children demonstrate is linked to their emotions and feelings.  It is the same for us as adults; if for example we are experiencing the emotion of frustration, anger or even anxiety, our behaviour will change.  With reward systems we can make the mistake of trying to ‘fix’ this behaviour rather than consider the underlying emotions that your child might be experiencing at the time.  If we are not giving our children an outlet for their emotions, we can be encouraging them to keep their feelings to themselves, which can in turn lead to more behaviours being shown. 

Introducing a reward system can often suggest that a child is choosing to display behaviours which are not acceptable or deemed appropriate, but often a child is not in control of their behaviour because they don’t always have control over their emotions.  Very often our children are reacting in the moment and, with strong impulses, they might not have a chance to think about the consequences to their actions (e.g. not getting a sticker for their chart or a marble for their jar) as they aren’t yet developmentally able to do this.  Imagine for example  if someone asked you to fly a plane and if you did you would be given £10,000!  No matter how much you would like the £10,000, if you don’t know how to fly a plane  then it is unobtainable (unless I have any pilots reading this then you might have to think of a different example!).  In the same way, we don’t want to set our children up to fail – a reward system won’t incentivise them to try as it will all feel too much. 

Reward systems are typically designed to work with our children’s external (extrinsic) motivation but for real change and a child’s full understanding we need to work with their internal (intrinsic) motivation. 

What needs to be considered when using reward systems?

• Don’t make them too complicated with unachievable targets –If there are lots of things to achieve (2 or more aspects) this is going to feel overwhelming for the child, but is also going to mean that they are not seeing the benefits linked with their achievement.  Some reward charts for example can look at a child having to get a sticker for 5 things per day for 7 days of the week.  This is 35 stickers to get the reward, which is a lot in the world of a child.  For children to be able to fully understand behaviours that are appropriate and acceptable (once we have identified the underlying emotions) they need to receive praise and recognisition in that moment. 

• What are the rewards – are they too over the top? Keep the rewards simple, children respond to rewards which are simple and especially if they involve us in some way.  For example, it might be having their favourite meal, watching a movie with you, reading two books at bedtime rather than one.  They don’t have to be material things such as gifts or grand gestures. 

• What are you rewarding? If you are rewarding behaviours which are part of normal life (going to the toilet, eating meals etc) then it’s worth considering if this needs a reward chart or if you need to look at other approaches. 

• Overuse of reward systems can lead to a child developing a bargaining attitude.  Your children might start to say “what do I get if I do this?” as that is what they have learnt from continuous use of reward systems – i.e. if you do something you get a reward for it.  We want our children to want to do things for how it makes them feel not because they expect to gain from it.

• Don’t use a system unless you really need to.  Toileting can be a good example of this, we tend to start toilet training with the thought process that we need to give rewards for success, but this is often not the case!  Your child will have a sense of achievement from doing a wee or a poo on the potty/toilet and on top of that our reaction to them doing it will be incentive enough for many children.  Always keep the use of a reward system as a last resort or something that you use down the line if needed. 

• The approach you decide to take needs to be age and stage appropriate.  Very young children are not going to have the understanding of a reward system in the same way that we might as adults.  Our children who are over 5 years old might have a greater understanding of the concept, but they might not be able to achieve each and every time. 

• Reward systems are best used when there are little bumps in the road such as needing to get dressed in the mornings - for example, you could say that if your child gets dressed within a certain time then they get to have 10 mins to play whatever they would like to play or they get a sticker, a marble etc. Whereever possible the rewards need to be instant - if the reward comes weeks down the line this is going to feel like an eternity for a child and the motivation will wear off very quickly.  

• Recognise in the moment so that your child can make the connection between the action or behaviour and your acknowledgment of this. 

If you decide to use a reward system think about the following:

Consider all other options first. An example of this might be that your child keeps getting out of bed every night and you are having to take them back to their own room.  Consider the reason why your child might be doing this – is it that they are overtired? Do you have a good bedtime routine? is your child worrying about something which is disturbing their sleep and they are coming through for reassurance? Is it that some nights they can get into bed with you and then others you return them to their own bed? (remember a child doesn’t always understand why it is ok one night and not on another – it can be confusing so they look to try it out each night to see what happens).  Once you have run through all of the possible reasons for the behaviour you can start by making tweaks and changes to accommodate these things.  If you then feel that it is a habit which has been created and your child needs help (and an incentive) to stop this then it might be where the use of a reward system can come in. 

So for the example of getting out of their bed every night it might be that you introduce a simple reward system - if they stay in their bed all night then they can have a reward (depending on the system that you choose). It is only for this one aspect and you should only look to do it for 1 to 2 weeks at the most.  Any longer than this and the novelty tends to wear off for the child but also from our perspective we tend not to be as consistent with it.   

Keep consistent and remember to use it.  If you are going to introduce something then you need to be bought into the process for the time that you plan to use it.  The reward system is often also a way of keeping us as adults focused on the situation and it helps us to remember when to praise and acknowledge our children when they are doing well. 

As an alternative to using the reward as a bargaining tool, you can always have it as a surprise for your child at the end of the day/week (depending the age of the child).  This can be more of an incentive because they never quite know when to expect something.

Children need to know their boundaries, right from wrong and good and bad, but this comes from the adults around them being empathetic to what they might be experiencing, viewing the situation from the child’s perspective and then using the right strategy for the issue. Reward charts can have a place and, as I have mentioned before, it is often a really good resource particularly for the adults in order to remember to recognise the positives throughout the day. Children respond well to positive reinforcement but they also like to know their boundaries.  It is all about consistency and the more consistent you are the more a child will understand what is and is not expected from them. 

 So, do reward charts work?

Reward charts should not be the instant ‘go to’ when you are experiencing tricky or challenging behaviours with your child.  First of all try to see what is triggering their behaviours and work from this in order to help your child.  However, if you feel that the situation is not emotions driven but that you are looking to provide positive recognition for one aspect for a short amount of time, then yes a reward chart might have a place…if used in the right way and for the right purpose.

If you are interested in finding out more about about supporting behaviour, check out our video guide to Behaviour and Emotions. For more information - click here

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