How do you make co-parenting work?
WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT
Co-parenting or shared parenting are terms used when two people who have been in a relationship, have had children together but then separated. The important thing to remember about co-parenting is that you don’t stop being a parent, you just stop being in a relationship with the person that you have had children with. You both still have a responsibility to your children to provide them with a stable and secure environment in which they can grow and develop.
Everyone’s situation is very different and for some relationships there is going to be a need for greater professional input in order to help come up with a plan on how the co-parenting situation might work. It does also need to be noted that in some cases one parent doesn’t want as much of an active role in raising their children, which again is something which may need to have some input from a professional in order to support the children and the parent who is taking on the majority of the parenting. I have put some links to charities and organisations which can help at the end of this blog.
I want to start with explaining that I have not had direct experience of being co-parented, or been a co-parent myself, but I have worked with a great number of families where this has been the case. So I am using these experiences to give you some possible ideas and strategies that might help if you are in this situation.
Child first!
When a child is being co-parented it is vitally important that it is always about ‘child first’. We need to have an empathy and understanding that your child is likely to have already needed to do a great deal of adjusting (particularly if you have all been living together and one parent has moved out). If we as adults can put ourselves into the child’s position we are going to be better placed to be able to help and support. A good way to do this might be to imagine if you have two jobs and that you have to adjust the way that you work with each boss. The offices are different and one has a slightly different feel to the other. You are trying to adjust to environments with people that you know but in both cases are trying to do this in a completely different set up. As you can imagine, much like your child will be experiencing, this is likely to be exhausting both mentally and physically.
As I said before I am not able to talk about the experience of having parents who are separated, but I am an only child. When I was younger I often felt torn as to which parent to be with, for example my dad might be going into town and my mum staying at home – my dilemma (and yes at times it was a dilemma) was which parent should I ‘choose’. My parents never put pressure on who I was to go with (although I look back at it and I am sure that my mum would have been more than happy to have an hour to herself!) but I was always worried about how the parent who I didn’t choose would feel. I would think about them being on their own or that they might feel that because I didn’t choose them that I didn’t like or love them as much.
My parents were never aware that I had all these thoughts and feelings, I was just processing them internally. The reason I am sharing this story is that we often underestimate how a child might be feeling or thinking about a situation, no matter how much reassurance we provide. We need to take this into consideration when looking at behaviour of children in this situation and how we support them through the transition (change or adaptation) and beyond.
Good communication is key
6 top tips for working with your ex-partner:
Good communication. This can often be the area which can be challenging for two people who have separated but need to have continued contact because of the children. Set up ground rules for communication - have set times when things are discussed and decide which platform you do this on (text, email etc) etc. Not having these guidelines can mean that communication is all over different places and it can become messy. Also avoid communicating through your children, go direct to each other. Your children should not be the go between!
Always keep your child at the forefront of what you do. You cannot bring the issues that you might have with each other into situations that you are discussing regarding your child. Keep things focused and, if you need to, try writing notes prior to a phone call or meeting face to face so that you remain on task with what needs to be discussed.
Show a united front – your child needs to know that you are both invested in them and what’s in their best interests. Sometimes it can be tempting to do or say things which can make you ‘the favourite’, which in that moment is often great but it can backfire and cause greater issues than it solved at the time. Have agreed house rules etc in both homes so that your child is clear on boundaries and expectations, this will make such a difference for everyone!
Have a co-parenting plan – allow for your child to call or video the other parent when they are with you and allow for flexibility. For example is it a family member’s birthday from your ex-partner’s side and would they like the children to see them? If so can you swap your times around or allow for a bit of extra time with the other parent? Some of the points which can be covered in a co-parenting plan are education, finances, holidays and special events and decision-making guidelines. Often events such as your child’s birthday or Christmas can be when you both might want to have time with your child. Try to make plans in advance, leaving it to the last minute to decide how it is going to work could make it stressful and difficult to come to a reasonable solution.
Share the highs and the lows – if for example your child has been chosen to be a school play, has got a parents’ evening or received good grades and you are the first to find out, make sure that this is shared with the other parent as it will be a huge boost for your child if you are both congratulating and celebrating and keeps relations between you as adults equal as well. This also goes that if there are difficulties with school or behaviour etc you should work together to resolve this with your child.
Recognise that there will be times that co-parenting might be challenging – parenting can be challenging at the best of times but parenting with your ex-partner can bring additional difficulties. Reflect on your approach, is what you are fighting for to do with your children or is it rooted in issues that you have with your ex-partner?
Respect your child’s need to keep in touch with their other parent
9 top tips for helping your child/ren:
Acknowledge the other parent. Allow your child to have photos of their other parent in your home, this might just be in their bedroom, but it is important that they don’t feel they have to hide all their emotions, feelings or thoughts from you. Your ex-partner is an important person in their life so they might want to talk about what they have done during their time with them or tell you funny stories etc. You need to try to engage with this so that your child feels comfortable. This might include encouraging video calls when they are not with the other parent to make sure that they are maintaining that connection.
Think about handover times and places that work for your child rather than just working for you! Try to avoid handovers being late in the day for example. Doing a handover at lunchtime or early afternoon will give your child time to adjust to being in your environment again before you have to get them to settle down for bed etc. If you can (and it is possible) collecting or dropping your child at your ex-partners home can help. Try not to plan too much as soon as they arrive with you as this can be overwhelming, try to be at home and allow them to settle back in.
Expect and empathise with their emotions – lots of parents talk about their child’s behaviour being different when they first arrive back from the other parent. This is not always the fault of your partner, it can purely be down to your child having to make the adjustment from one environment to the other. It can come with a huge range of emotions from guilt, relief, excitement, nervousness and the list goes on! Ultimately it can come out as any emotion as each of us will feel things differently. Being able to empathise and understand how your child might be feeling will help you to support them but also help you to respond to the behaviours that you might see from your child.
Approaches might need to change as children get older – as your child gets older, their understanding of the situation will develop and mature. They will have friends who might be in the same situation so will talk to them and also see what differences there might be between them and children who have two parents at home. Allow for your approach to change over time, be honest and truthful about the family dynamic and give them credit for knowing and understanding more about relationships etc as they get older.
Children need to see parents who are amicable and respectful. Try not to argue in front of your child, this can cause them to worry or can lead to them speaking to you in a similar way – they see and repeat so if they see you behaving in a certain way they are likely to copy it.
Don’t forget extended family – there may be extended family on both sides and it is good for children to still have relationships with these family members. If you are able to have a relationship with your ex-partner’s family this will also help to create a family unit experience for your child. It can be things such as remembering birthdays, special events etc and if the child is with you at the time (as above), can you help them make contact with this person to connect for the special event?
Don’t overcompensate – if you are the parent who doesn’t have as much time with your child, don’t feel the need to pack the days you have them with lots of fun things or shower them with gifts in order to compensate for this. You are enough for your child, they want to spend time with you and that is often all they need.
Can you do things together with your ex-partner? If you have an amicable relationship are there things that you might be able to do with your child together to help them to see a united front? This might be meeting at the park and spending time together, going to parent-teacher meetings or nursery/school plays or assemblies for example.
Consistency – this is essential for our children to feel safe and secure. If you are both on the same page as much as possible this will make a difference for your child.
Everyone’s situation is different and this will bring a range of emotions for all concerned. Working together to support your child and always putting them first will ensure that they have as stable an up bringing as they would if you were together. In fact they can also learn life skills from this experience – things like flexibility, adaptability, resilience and tact are all going to be a by-product of their experience living with you both separately. There will be difficult times, that’s for sure, but by being respectful and working together you can ensure that there are lots of good times too.
Organisations which might be able to help and support:
https://www.familylives.org.uk/advice/divorce-and-separation/
https://www.children1st.org.uk/help-for-families/parentline-scotland/guidance-advice/separation-and-divorce/(for those in Scotland)
https://www.parentingni.org (for those in Northern Ireland)
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk
https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting/stepfamilies
While you are here, you might be interested in our webinars, which cover lots of different topics including behaviour and emotions, play, sleep, toilet training and many more! For more information - click here
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.